Archive for Stonehaven Thistle Cricket Club Stonehaven Thistle Cricket Club Forum; a place to swap cricket stories, Club matters, News and generally keep abreast of Thistle's fortunes and occasional woes.
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Old Trundler
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Joke cornerWho could this be about?
An NZ man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
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Dong
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Was his name Donald?? 
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milneb
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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Ft Worth. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale, he buys them, wears them back to the motel, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging straight down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING STRAIGHT DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope," she replies.
"IT'S HANGING STRAIGHT DOWN BECAUSE IT'S ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS !!!!!"
To which Margaret replies..."Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
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milneb
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condoms are a mustCondoms are a MUST
An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams ! in horror,
Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "Youno worry!
Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money."
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milneb
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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white Robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so
much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family, I haven?t
finished my billing out. . . you've got to send me back straight
away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking
around pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,
how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've
never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
"Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the
best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...
"Dave, wake up you drunken bast4rd, you've sh!t the bed.
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milneb
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most embarrasing momentsA radio station in Ireland ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.
The final four were:
4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'if you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night'. After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the
bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door shut behind me were screams of laughter.
3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'PRICE CHECK FOR TAMPAX SUPERSIZE'. But
it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word'Tampax' for the 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system:' Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?'
1st Place
And the winner is . . .
This happened at a major Irish University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, 'yes, that's correct', adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?'
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word, walked out of the class and never returned.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question:
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat"
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Old Trundler
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World CupSo what are the 7th and 8th place play offs in the World Cup called?
The Bledisloe Cup !..............
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Old Trundler
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More World CupMan found dead in Paris wearing suspenders, bra, women's knickers, full make up, and an All Blacks Shirt.
Police removed the shirt before identifying the body with the family so as to avoid embarrasment. 
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Old Trundler
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More World Cup“What’s the difference between the Wallabies, the All Blacks and half a Viagra pill?”
Answer: At least with half a Viagra pill, you can still get a semi.
Q: What’s the difference between the Wallabies, the All Blacks and a tea bag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What do you call 15 kiwis watching the world cup final?
The All Blacks
ittle Bruce was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up:
Fireman, policeman, salesman, politician, etc.
However, little Bruce was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father. Reluctantly he replied, “My Dad’s an exotic dancer in a gay club, and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let him shag him.”
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Bruce aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” said Bruce, “My father plays rugby for Australia; I was just too embarrassed to say.”
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Dong
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The BlondeOnce upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"
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Dong
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital, crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you!!"
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milneb
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Glasgae vesictomyAfter having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can,
light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.
The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae
help me no tae huv ony mair weans.' 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ..... At which point he paused, placed
the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Paisley, and Old Kilpatrick.
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milneb
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Who thought sweets could be so rudeMr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.
He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
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